sugary TV

So, I'm trying to teach myself self-control.

To learn this, I decided to take some drastic measures....so, I was talking to my roommate Sarah about how I was thinking of going off sugar for an undefined amount of time just so I would know that I can go off sugar (I love sweet things a bit too much probably), and she said she would do it with me.  That was three days ago. 

Today, I have this huge splitting headache.  I think I'm a sugar-addict in withdrawl.

And, well, I really just wanted to be alone today.  I know it can be selfish and stuff to want to be alone, but, idk, theres this part of me that still craves it sometimes.  I used to spend so much time alone, and I guess I can hear my thoughts better, and, life is just more simple.  I'm really looking forward to working alone this summer again too--then maybe I can really remember and comprehend the events of this year.  And I miss the smell of Lillies of the Valley....

But, this has not been a bad day at all.  I drove and then read at a park for a while and then came back to my house (the headache won) and I've been watching old The Wonder Years episodes that my dad bought off ebay (and I'm pretty sure they're not legal--also pretty sure my dad does not know this).  I grew up on this show (it was one of dad's favorites), and I haven't seen it in at least a decade (it's so old that Dawson doesn't remember when dad watched it at all--we're talking late 80's-early 90's, and it's not on rerun unless you have cable, which we don't).  There are so many memories that I'm overwhelmed and fascinated as I watch--it's almost like seeing a dream again when you're conscious.  There's one episode in particular that I remember almost scene for scene and have remembered selected scenes from for a long time--I just didn't know that the pictures in my head were from this show.  Yeah, it's almost scary to see, but so interesting too.  I also remember word associations that I made in my head as a really little kid related to the characters in the show--somehow it connected better for me, and I have a feeling that I used to make up my own stories about some of the characters because some word associations between, say this show and Newton's Apple, another old show, are still strongly cemented in my memory.  I'm not sure that any of this makes sense--sorry.  It's just really cool for me, and I sort of wish I could do a psychological test on myself, just to understand why these strange memories are firing off the way that they are.    It's so weird/cool. 

random smatterings of thoughts and life

10:06 pm

Tech Zone, 3rd floor Naz.

April 19th. 

It wasn't that long ago....I was with Christiana and Jen.  We were helping Alicia unload four carloads of stuff (she was moving out of an apartment into Moyer, and she has all of her stuff with her--nothing at her parent's home anymore.  It makes the sheer amount of objects more understandable).  That was the first day I wore my thrift store Hollister jeans (yep, I can't believe I wear the brand either).  Now those jeans are sort of my solid rock when it comes to clothing--they go with everything, and they're more comfortable than my sweats. 

As I was carrying a cubed cardboard box of shampoos up to third floor Moyer, the gray plastic stairs creaked with that little "eeek!" that's so familiar now.  In Quad 12 this quiet girl with black curly hair was also unloading her belongings with her family.  Now I know that girl is Krista Basinger, a sweet leader of Prison Ministries, but at that time she was another person to get to know, and I liked her wide-eyed disposition before she spoke a word. 

After taking up several more cardboard boxes, my hand pressed open the door to Quad 10.  It was empty at first glance.  Looking in the living room, it seemed hollow, but turning the corner into the hall, there were signs of human habitation.  I remember leaving Kristina a note on top of her MuKappa leadership manual.  Then I touched my own smooth wood door and looked inside at the bunks, closets, desks.  It was so big! 

Today was crazy.  Not a bad crazy, but a craziness nonetheless.  And Jake Notch is right; I do have some sort of inner rodent inside me sometimes. 

At 11:45am, I presented my dispositions paper at Bethel's Undergraduate Theology Conference. 

At 9:45, I discovered that there was Banner training in the Student Center computer lab. 

At 10:00, I discovered that there was class in both Riley computer labs. 

At 10:15, I discovered that all the library computers were taken. 

At 10:35, I discovered that my house is not connected to the internet today because of the remodling going on in the kitchen right now (I had e-mailed my paper to myself at a much earlier time, and the only home access I had to the paper was through e-mail.  I'm panicking at this point, knowing that there are about 15-20 minutes of revisions that I still have to do).

At 10:50, I went up to my dad's office to work on the paper and print it off.  Thoughts going through my brain:  AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
(We were supposed to be there at 11:30 for some sort of welcoming thing.  My heartbeat was under so much stress--I could feel it going into rabbit mode)

11:15, I leave for Bethel.

11:25, I arrive at Bethel and find no parking!  So, I park somewhat illegally and run into the building at 11:35ish

*sigh*  The last time my heart pounded that fast, I was a sophmore and it was finals week in December and I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown.  Define "nervous breakdown?"  Well, my heart was beating at a very very rapid rate for two days while I was getting homework done, and I didn't eat for those two days and after they were over (and my roommate had left for Christmas break), I covered one of our dorm room walls with crepe paper for about 5 hours.  Yeah, I was a bit crazy.  Haven't done that since, but gosh!

:)

Quotes of the Day:

"John Piper?! Rapping!??  But I thought he was a Christian!!"

"Kansas is the center of Christian weirdness!"

-Dr. Aling, on both counts

My hair was shortened 23 inches yesterday....

It's been a bit of a rough week...

I keep singing choir songs in my head over and over and over--that's one thing that is good :)

So many people have meant so much lately.  It's weird because there's something in my perspective that's changing right now.  I don't know quite what it is, but it has something to do with masks I wear during the day--I know I have them and I switch them frequently.  And, for the first time in a really really long time I'm starting to depend on God....it's such a cliched phrase, but, well, maybe it's that I'm discovering new ways that I need him.  I think it's a good thing...I think. 

-Katie